Happy Birthday, Friend!

Tomorrow is your 34th birthday and I decided to greet you in advance. My domestic life is taking much of my time and I might forget your special day. Now that we’re both older but wiser, I wish that we could bring back the happy times that we spent during our high school years. You were my bestfriend and I secretly envied your charmed life. While my family was financially struggling during those years, you led a comfortable life in the corners of your beautiful home, surrounded by a loving family and supported by a group of loyal friends. I was afraid to share with you my insecurities about life; afraid that you might not understand where I was coming from. We graduated in high school with a heavy heart, we continued our communication through snail mails. I was very proud of you as my bestfriend.

The unexpected thing happened when I got pregnant in the middle of college. I wanted to die then. I was in deep regret and shame for what I did and it left a permanent scar in my heart. I wanted to tell you how I was feeling, how I wanted to end my life and how guilty I was for failing my parents. But I realized that you were that girl who led a charmed life. How could someone as nearly perfect as you understand someone as imperfect as me? But the news reached you and you immediately sent me a greeting card. You were hurt and you felt betrayed. You thought I did not trust you enough. I tried to explain that I wanted to tell you my situation in person. I didn’t know if you believed that alibi. I made up by getting you as one of Chang’s godparents. Again, we were able to save the friendship.

I went back to Baguio with a heavy heart, the baby was left in my parents’ care. It was the toughest decision in my life: proceed with my studies and face the insults OR stay back home and take another course. My mother told me that she preferred the first option and I obliged. I had plans of taking Chang with me and leave her in her father’s care while I can visit her everyday. But that option was not taken seriously by her father’s side. When I decided to end that relationship three years later, I decided not to tell that to you. How can someone with high morals like you understand someone who’s not moral (at that time) like me?

I got involved with another man, got into a problem and that was the time when I decided to ask for your help. You were shocked, confused but nevertheless, treated me with kindness and understanding. I was so ashamed of myself then. I wanted to see you personally to tell the whole story but I had no guts to do so. I let that problem pass and pretended for the next five years that this relationship was worth fighting for.

We had a mini-reunion in 2004 and that was very memorable for me. There I was, sitting side by side with the bestfriend that I underestimated. I tried to bring back the warmth of our friendship but I could feel that it was too late. We had been through a lot of misunderstandings and the damage could be irreparable.

Let me just tell you that I am very sorry for the things that I did in the past. I underestimated our friendship and I was the one paying for it now.

Happy birthday!

The Closure

Letter to my ex-fiance’:

It’s been a long while since we last saw each other. I still remember the day when I last saw you: sad, confused and distant. I thought that it must be the long travel from the South to the Central part of the country.

I went to my parents’ house in the province on that same day, hopeful that things would be much better for the two of us. I texted you and told you how much I was missing you for the past six months of our on-again off-again relationship. You never claimed that it was still a relationship after you decided to let go of me six months earlier. I thought otherwise. I thought that it was just another big fight that I would be willing to swallow my pride and deflate my ego if it would mean total reconciliation for us.

You replied that it was nothing, that your uneasiness was just a mood swing, that everything would just be fine soon. I believed. I believed in everything you said inspite of what the logic said otherwise. I believed in you. I believed that miracles could still happen. Who stole your heart?

It was a long and painful journey to recovery. There were times when I was in denial. There were times when I was just too depressed to carry on with life. (Thanks to Alma and Joel! They made me feel still worthy of living.) I was too scared to lose you. I felt too weak to move on. A part of me said that it was over; a part of me said that we could still go on.

Logically, I knew you were in love with someone else but I could not convince myself that it was real. I never did anything that would make you fall out of love with me. Maybe I was just too naive. Maybe I didn’t took the hint well.

You said that you feel guilty for leaving me. You said that I should find someone better than you. I cried a river when I read your text message about it.

When God closes a door, a window is left opened. I met several dashing bachelors but none of them captured my heart, much more, my interest. I felt that there was no love, only good impression of them.

Along came Miel. He is not as goodlooking as you, not as intelligent as you, not as tall as you, not as fair as you, not as moneyed as you but he loves me so much and accepts me for who I am. I am beginning to feel something for him. It must be love. He visits me in my apartment and my neighbors know him already as my boyfriend. You should see the look in their eyes because they thought that you and me are married!

I want this closure for us. I don’t intend to send this letter to you since you stopped communicating with me. I want to end all my hopes for a reconciliation. I want to give my new man a chance to prove himself. It will not happen if I am still very much hopeful.

Thank you for all the love, the pretensions, the pain, the laughter, the tears— you made me a forgiving person. Thank you for everything.