Burn

In relation to my previous post about the photo album that I intend to deliver to my ex through a common friend, my final decision is to burn it when I get home later.

I don’t need to keep an item that’s not even mine in the first place. If the owner does not want it back, I don’t want it and I don’t need it either. It’s not my memory for me to keep. I had the best intention for giving it back to him but it seemed that his party misinterpreted it.

Anyway, you might ask why should I use a middleman to send the album back. In 2011, I offered to send it back to him but we did not agree on some things like where to send it and to whom should I send it. Logically, my name couldn’t be seen on the sender part because his wife might misinterpret it. A meet up was not possible because to be honest, while I missed the person during those times, my values as a married woman held me back.

So last Thursday, while running through some stuff, I saw his green album again and decided to let it go forever. This is kind of symbolic because I intend to let go of the person as well. Not that I haven’t moved on because I already did a year and a half after the break-up but I want him to be totally out of my life. I guess that the feeling is mutual; our family has something to do with it. No, my husband is never mad at him or at the other ex–I am fortunate to have found a very secured man who does not give a damn about my exes.

Let’s just put it this way—people move on and let go at different time phase. If a person does not cherish anymore an item that reminds him/her of an ex and consider it as clutter, then that person has totally eliminated that affection from his/her system.

 

 

 

My Ex’s Photo Album

He was probably so in love with me before so he asked me to safekeep his photo album containing his childhood photos with his family and his photos with his officemates.

I was probably so in love with him even after the break-up so I took care of his photo album.

In 2011, I asked him if he wanted to have it back but it didn’t push through for a number of reasons. Maybe I was still emotionally attached to him and losing his childhood photos would mean a disconnect from his life so I didn’t push the idea.

I’ve been keeping the album for 9 years now after the break up. Coincidentally, it was on a cold January morning when he said it was over between us. It took me a total of 9 years to finally accept and move on with my life without traces of his memory.

It’s not that ours was a tragic love story as there were good times, too. But I stopped caring about his memory and its preservation. It’s not that I hate him, I just moved on without a trace of hurt or bitterness.

I asked a common friend if he wanted to be the middleman for the package but he seemed apprehensive because he was afraid that my ex would take it negatively. I told him to ask my ex if he wanted his album back or I’ll just burn it because I don’t need it either.

His album is not for me to keep. Being a sentimental person, I assumed that his wife and kid/s would love to see his childhood through the photos. But if my ex says that the album is no longer important to him, then I’ll do the honor of burning it to kill the memories it brings to the real owner and the keeper.

He Married Her Instead Of Me

Facebook. Facebook.
It’s a good avenue to meet old friends.
It’s a good avenue to let the whole world know about your current status.
Some old friends are surprised to know that I have just given birth to a handsome
baby boy. As my last name implies, Adi and Robi’s father is not the one they knew of.
Indirectly, they would ask, “So, what happened?”
(I am used to this kind of question so I learned how to be cool about it.)
So what happened? To who? To me or to the ex?
“He married the next girlfriend instead of me.”
Plain and simple. Direct but not bitter.

Some people would advise that to be able to move on faster after a break-up,
one must hate or recall all the bad things the ex has done.
But isn’t that being immature and selfish?
I managed to move on without badmouthing my ex.
I managed to rebuild my life on my own sans any bitterness from the separation.
The funny thing is, one of my exes could not believe that I could be forgiving.
That moving on is possible and that wishing them to live a happy life as a married couple
is for real.
=)

My Love Faded

We were both 22 when we first met.
I was in a rocky relationship, he was never into a relationship.
We became friends. He said that I was so stupid to stay in a relationship where there is too much hurting.
I ended my relationship with the first one.
He said that he was the happiest man on this planet for having me.
Everybody was against our relationship.
Two against the world was our theme.

A year after, the fairy tale ended.
We were faced with a lot of issues.
Whenever I tried to run away from him, he said that everything in our relationship was just normal.

Is it normal not to talk about the daily happenings in our life?
Is it normal not to feel jealous of his attention to the other girls?
Is it normal not to ask about our future?
He said it was not normal so I molded my self into somebody that he thought was normal.

“Do you love me?” I asked him.
“Yes, of course,” he said.
Why is it that love begets pain, then? What was missing in our relationship?
Maybe a ring?
Maybe a marriage contract?
Maybe a future life together?

I stayed with him because of love.
He said he couldn’t stay with me because of love.
“I love you so I’m setting you free,” he said.
I was taken off-guard; it was unexpected.
“Why are you leaving me after six and a half years together?” I asked.
He gave me a dozen replies but this one broke my heart into pieces.
“I am no longer in love with you since last year.”

Since last year? Or since five years ago?
If he really loved me, he wouldn’t hurt my feelings for the past five years.
Did he really love me or I was just his meantime girl?

It took me 1.5 years to have a new relationship after him.
It took him less than a year to move on.

He IM’d me and said that he wanted to see me before I get married.
For what?
Isn’t he happy with his new girl or does he want a night of fun with me?

I didn’t take his bait.
I couldn’t afford to hurt Miel.
But one thing that I realize is this:
“Never assure that love is enough to make someone stay or come back to you..when pain strikes the heart,love fades no matter how great it was.”

He broke my heart so badly; I could never see him face to face again.
He was forgiven but he has to be forgotten.
He’s now a memory; a good and a bad memory.
The person who made me what I am today.

The Closure

Letter to my ex-fiance’:

It’s been a long while since we last saw each other. I still remember the day when I last saw you: sad, confused and distant. I thought that it must be the long travel from the South to the Central part of the country.

I went to my parents’ house in the province on that same day, hopeful that things would be much better for the two of us. I texted you and told you how much I was missing you for the past six months of our on-again off-again relationship. You never claimed that it was still a relationship after you decided to let go of me six months earlier. I thought otherwise. I thought that it was just another big fight that I would be willing to swallow my pride and deflate my ego if it would mean total reconciliation for us.

You replied that it was nothing, that your uneasiness was just a mood swing, that everything would just be fine soon. I believed. I believed in everything you said inspite of what the logic said otherwise. I believed in you. I believed that miracles could still happen. Who stole your heart?

It was a long and painful journey to recovery. There were times when I was in denial. There were times when I was just too depressed to carry on with life. (Thanks to Alma and Joel! They made me feel still worthy of living.) I was too scared to lose you. I felt too weak to move on. A part of me said that it was over; a part of me said that we could still go on.

Logically, I knew you were in love with someone else but I could not convince myself that it was real. I never did anything that would make you fall out of love with me. Maybe I was just too naive. Maybe I didn’t took the hint well.

You said that you feel guilty for leaving me. You said that I should find someone better than you. I cried a river when I read your text message about it.

When God closes a door, a window is left opened. I met several dashing bachelors but none of them captured my heart, much more, my interest. I felt that there was no love, only good impression of them.

Along came Miel. He is not as goodlooking as you, not as intelligent as you, not as tall as you, not as fair as you, not as moneyed as you but he loves me so much and accepts me for who I am. I am beginning to feel something for him. It must be love. He visits me in my apartment and my neighbors know him already as my boyfriend. You should see the look in their eyes because they thought that you and me are married!

I want this closure for us. I don’t intend to send this letter to you since you stopped communicating with me. I want to end all my hopes for a reconciliation. I want to give my new man a chance to prove himself. It will not happen if I am still very much hopeful.

Thank you for all the love, the pretensions, the pain, the laughter, the tears— you made me a forgiving person. Thank you for everything.